Easy ways to love on your kids.

Sometimes, everything about parenting seems tricky to me, probably because it is. People are complex, and if we don't approach them thoughtfully as individuals, it tends to cause issues, either short or long-term. While the effort is well-worth it, it can seem overwhelming when nothing seems "easy" to me. Which is why I love it when someone reminds me of universal things that everyone seems to appreciate and feel loved from. Usually, these things are ridiculously simple, which is probably why I forget to do them for my kids enough periodically. I'm posting them here again to remind myself. :O)

1. Regular Physical touch. While their preferences of *how* to receive physical affection are different, everyone in my family, including myself, likes to be touched regularly. It reinforces the immune system, helps order the nervous system, decreases stress hormones and releases endorphins...good for positive human energy, all-around. My 5yo digs random tickling/wrestling sessions. My almost 7-yo loves giant bear hugs. My 2.5 yo likes to just sit with her arm around someone. All of us love a good foot rub or back scratch.

My favorite thing about positive touch is that it's not mentally taxing; it involves very little thought. You can relax and let your "monkey" take over a little, AND, it generally leaves me feeling better, too. The trick is deciding to do it purposefully, instead of waiting until everyone (including me) resembles black holes of neediness. By purposefully giving life-affirming touch regularly to kids over 2, it cuts down on the life-draining tugging/clinging/climbing/pawing that leaves me feeling violated and resentful. Instead, I feel buoyed and more positive myself. Win/win.

2. Being Silly in a Tense Moment. I have a tenancy to be serious about moral issues. To the point of sometimes forgetting that my audience is equally taught or swayed by a well-timed fart joke or zombie impersonation. It never ceases to amaze me how well kids respond to (respectful, non-mocking) humor, getting me much farther than furrowing my brow for a serious talk and getting a migraine for myself and scowls from the backseat as result. Sincere apologies, real problem solving, laughter, camaraderie between sibs and relaxed muscles for me have all sprung out of the split second decision to let my silly bone take over.

It makes me smile, because it's so EASY! Even if your inner 4yo is buried, it doesn't take much practice to find him/her again. Laughter defuses the situation and defuses tension in a way that sermonizing or over-moralizing could never attempt. The grace of humor extended to a weary spirit is so relieving, and your kids will appreciate it.

3. Going Outside. In nasty weather, this is kind of non-negotiable. But when it's pleasant, it does a ton to cut down on sibling melodrama, bad moods and rascally antics. Good weather is like a fantastic opiate here. In five minutes, everyone is calmer, blissed out and generally engrossed in some kind of play that doesn't involve breaking anything or teasing anyone out of boredom.

4. Tossing out the children's books I hate to read. I have a rule that probably seems unfair to some: if a children's book is really boring/asinine/poorly written/insufferable, I don't keep it in the house. Reading is the magic kid bullet here when people are out of sorts, so when I spend an hour reading, it's going to need to be something that doesn't leave me in a horrible mood (grace is for moms, too!). There are so many thoughtful, entertaining, well-written books for children in the world, it's silly for me to grit my teeth through the ubiquitous story-turned-mediocre movie-turned-lousy-book-again "books" that stores seem hell-bent on marketing. No thanky. I like my sanity. :P My children can sense my tensed body and irritation, and no good ever comes of getting dark attention. Of course, once a kid is old enough to read to themselves, I'm more willing to be flexible. :)

5. Dancing. I can forget to do it often enough. Nothing shakes the stress out for a group of people like taking a break from whatever current boredom or frustration they're feeling like cranking up the music and shaking your money-makers. You can feel your muscles unwinding, the air clearing of broodiness and your body thanking you. Inviting your kids to do it with you is simple, and can do wonders for helping them get "unstuck" along with you.

6. Baths/water play. We're a fan of baths here. Water play/relaxation tends to take a incurable grump day to a totally different place. There have been days when our whole family is stressed out from the week, everyone's sniping at each other, and no one's really fit for anything that we just go hop in a stream or river and walk away feeling like someone punched our "reset" buttons. It works. I'm not sure how, but it really does. And it's as easy as you make it- we just strip down to the minimum acceptable level of clothing for the scenario, and stay until our fingers are wrinkled.

7. Eat something. Nine times out of ten, if things are going very poorly, it's because someone's blood sugar is dropping to the basement. Eating food helps. This is easier to forget about than most people realize. The next time you're yelling or crying or feeling generally cantankerous, ask yourself when the last time you ate was, and, more importantly, what it was you ate. If it's high in sugar or fried, you probably feel like crap. Eat real food. Kids are the same way.

8. Stop whatever isn't working. I get tunnel-vision sometimes. I think most people do, at least occasionally. I'll decide we need to do an art project or visit a relative or go on an outing...and it becomes desperately apparent to everyone in the family and all surrounding (except for me, of course) that it really just isn't working. It's not a good time. One or all of us lack the ability to do whatever it is we're attempting successfully. And while I love to teach follow-through of goals because I feel it's important for growth, I think it's equally important to learn the ability to step back and realize 'when to fold 'em'.

If anyone is crying hysterically, that's a neon sign. I'm the one who gets to decide, and it's OK to decide to stop, even if it's slightly disappointing. If it's not working, everyone, including yourself, will likely thank you for simply letting the goal go. Sometimes, it's best to cut your losses and just take a nap or run through the sprinkler.

9. Judiciously relax your standards. Not everyone suffers from intense idealism; some people struggle with follow-through on what they know is best. We all have our flaws. Mine is generally practicing the fine art of letting go. It's not actually hard, once I invite grace and wisdom to lead, instead of my own nitpicky brain. All I have to do is: nothing.

On the bright side, my family benefits from my follow-through of ideals on a regular basis; you can't reap the benefits of seeds you don't actually bother to sow. Along with this comes with the need to remind myself that it's also OK to not hold tenaciously to an ideal in a tense moment. For kids that are less principle-driven, this can be an enormous boon on a tough or important day. Examples might be not jumping in and focusing on the one swear word your child used while communicating a rotten day, allowing a later bedtime for an important visit, or allowing more sugar on a special occasion than I normally do. Sometimes, flexibility says "I love you" more than anything else.