Helping Children Learn Impulse Control: Our experience, Part 2

Things we like to do to practice impulse control:

Disclaimer 1: I'm not an expert, and I'm mostly regurgitating things that have worked out well for us, for reference for myself, and in hopes that someone else might find our experiences helpful to save them time and grief! My farts smell like farts. I don't hover into bed, or walk on water. I'm just one parent mucking my way through raising children as best I understand grace, trying to gain the understanding I need to do my best. :o)

Disclaimer 2: it's good to remember that this is only practice for real impulse control, which won't come fully until much, much later in life! Practice is just to start building a basic framework for delayed gratification, the idea of "future", the idea of sequence of events, and the idea of being able to stop one's self. This ain't miracle grow. ;o) It's a slow, natural process that doesn't involve shaming or fear, and it's supposed to be fun!

As a parent, I have the best pulse on whether something works out well for one of my kids. If they're not interested, it doesn't suit their personality, or it's not yet age-appropriate, we chuck the idea in favor of something else!

Play IS work for children...it's a safe place to rehearse life until it starts to make sense to their developing brains. No more, no less. :O)

1. Red light, Green light! Remember this old game, where you freeze on red and run on green? Easy, fun for parent and kids (or an older sibling may enjoy being "It"! Two birds, one stone! ;o) ), and it teaching listening skills and mastery of one's own body!

Musical Chairs, Red Rover, easy card games, "Slow/Fast" dancing/running/hopping, "Quiet as a Mouse" are all other games that accomplish the same basic idea.

2. Make a plan! This is a big favorite of my daughter who loooves to have things in predictable order. Before we do anything, we make a plan and talk about what order of steps we might take to accomplish it. This sounds serious and stuffy, but it really isn't.

We like to do this with planning our garden (What plants shall we have? When shall we plant them? What tools will we need? Where shall we put the garden?), packing picnics, packing suitcases (What shall we pack? How many?) , cleaning our rooms (What shall we do first? The books? Ok, now what?), and especially our favorite: cooking!

We make lists and write out our plans in steps, or, for younger planners, draw pictures or talk about it in short sentences with LOTS of hand gestures on key words (as memory aids). For children who don't like to draw, cutting out relevant pictures from old magazines or newspaper and taping them is a good idea!) As much as possible, we try to stick to our plan until it's all the way DONE. This is important! Of course, the shorter the attention span, the shorter the task and plan, so we set even the smallest among us up for success. This communicates to the child that they are capable, and gives them a gentle, guided skeleton of an idea of how to think ahead when doing a task! :o)

3. Give them something TO do when the issue arises. Which is easier when trying to eat better as an adult? Thinking "No eating delicious, moist, freaking amazing dark chocolate cake" or "a nice tossed salad with a lovely goddess dressing and nuts"? Same goes for kids.


Squeezing hands together (Essie did this a lot at two), coming and asking for help, stomping, dancing, shouting "Woohoo!", taking some quiet time alone, putting their hands up and saying "Stop!", finding another activity, asking for permission, etc. If you ask your verbal child to help you brainstorm for ideas, you might be surprised at what they come up with! I've been known to borrow some of their ideas to use for myself. (My personal favorite is yelling "Snapadoodle Sandwich!!" instead of kicking whatever I've stubbed a toe on)

Don't expect your 3yo to volunteer to do these things automatically just because they have the information. I made this mistake, and was ready to jump off a roof in frutration...not pretty. You'll need to walk alongside them and remind them and enforce doing something else, and lead by example and gentle reinforcement. ;o)This is practice. Repeat this to yourself as a mantra.

4. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse! This is an idea I learned when Essie was a toddler from my good friend Crystal: Practicing the above alternatives during times the child is NOT emotionally stressed, outside of the heat of the moment of conflict, makes it MUCH easier for a child to draw from that tool when the problem does arise. This is also a great idea for adults. ;O)

"Scripting" is picking a calm, connected time to pretend a problem is happening, and you can playfully rehearse an appropriate response. (Let's pretend your friend Bob has taken your toy! What will you do? I'll be Bob, and you be You. No? OK, *I'll* be you, and you be Bob! Then, I'll be a giant Chicken, and you be Bob!) Acting out the problem is how children process stress, and how they integrate how they'll respond into their easily accessed repertoire. (They do it a LOT when playing with their toys, and if you listen in, this is often a great time to script, if they invite you to do so!)

5. Give Responsibility, make sure they follow through. Tasks that are reasonable and a matter of fact, easy going part of the day have been really helpful in helping our older girls learn the value of time, work and things. The idea isn't to overwhelm or exhaust anybody; in fact, it's better to err on the side of a tad easy, in order to set everyone up for success. This instills a sense of personal pride and confidence in their ability to follow through with things.

Our 3yo makes her bed, puts her dish in the sink when done with it, helps water the chickens and plants, dresses herself, buckles her carseat, and brushes the cat. Our 5yo feeds the chickens flowers (a new one for her, and a favorite!), gives the cat water, makes her bed, washes dishes, dusts, checks the mail, answers the phone, dresses herself, does her own hair, helps fold towels, sweeps the porch and weeds. She has a lot of energy. :P

I won't pretend to be the Cleaver family. Sometimes, there's griping and LOTS of supervision involved. Sometimes, there totally isn't. It's most helpful when they see me modeling my work as something that's not something I loathe (though I don't act happy when I'm not), and when we chat our way through it...this is a labor in progress.

Word to the wise: there is much slimmer chance of becoming Witch Woman when I view this as something I do *with* my children while they're very young than something that I actually expect them to do by themselves without guidance. We're going through the motions of being responsible with them, not actually depending on them yet to be responsible. ;oP

6. Notice their efforts, and tell the story back to them! When you catch a child exhibiting self control or forethought, notice it, preferably in earshot of other family members. This isn't to turn anyone into a praise junkie, and you don't even have to clap and cheer and make character evaluations. :P Just saying, "Hey, today when your sister took your stick sword, I noticed you used your words instead of hitting her. She saw your sword, wished she could have it, she took it, and you felt upset, but instead of hitting, you took a breath, clenched your hands, and asked her to give it back! You totally used your words!"

My girls loooove to hear stories about themselves, and it cements in their head that they're capable of controlling themselves and positively reinforces in their brains (literally) the course of action they took that got them the desired response from the other person. It doesn't even have to be a huge thing, just a description and knowing someone noticed is usually enough! You're essentially serving as a positive mirror for your kiddo, reflecting back what they look like is a moment of success.

7. Loosen the "Reigns". Hover less during free play. The less we do for our children in areas where they've displayed signs of capability, the better. While helping them censor themselves and form plans for themselves is helpful, removing the non-creative elements from their play is equally helpful (and actual in harmony with the idea of self-regulation).

Obviously, don't invite your 2yo to juggle steak knives. But, at the same time, you might consider letting your more responsible 5yo cut veggies within your supervision. Let your 1yo feed himself if he's interested. Let your 2yo attempt to climb that stump she's determined to scale. In our effort to stay sanitary and totally "safe", sometimes, we can cripple our children from learning important life skills...and therefore end up with 22 year olds who can't start fires or do laundry! ;OP

This means more climbing, more exploration, more raw play materials at their disposol, more dirt, more messy hands and, yes, more scraped knees. T.V. dictates their actions, video games limit their actions, organized activity limits them, me worrying about them destroying their newest outfit limits them...and this gives them very little opportunity to explore their own personal abilities and limitations mentally and physically. Part of controlling one's own impulses is the ability to experience the natural consequence of our own actions. The more we impair a person's experience, the less they learn about themselves and the world around them. :O)


Please, feel free to add your own ideas in the comment section!