Imagine this ...
Walking into a little white church, a man stumbles across the lobby and struggles with his sinful nature. He enters the pastor's counseling office tearfully seeking guidance. After hearing of the man's inability to cope with his own humanity, the pastor orders the man to lean over his desk with his palms down on the lemony 'Endust'-scented wood. The pastor then pulls out a mahogany offering plate and begins to beat the sinner across the back. "This", says the man of God, "will help you to think before you drink again!"
Or, how about this scenario:
A young mother of three is having a lousy day. The demands of the home are overwhelming, she has a terrible headache, and her husband walks through the door and makes an unrealistic demand on her. She bursts into exhausted tears and retorts with angry words...so her husband calmly whips off his belt and begins to lash her bare legs, punishing her for her disrespectful attitude. She begs him to stop with mascara streaming down her face, but he persists, insisting that her pain is "for her own good." He then prays with his wife, asking God to forgive her sin.
Outrageous! Unmerciful! Unkind! Abusive!!
And yet this is how many of the smallest members of Jesus' precious flock are treated on a daily basis.
Jesus' blood was offered for every one of us, from the greatest to the least. The law was a light exposing every sin, but it did absolutely nothing to atone for those sins. Even the slaughter of animals was only a shadow of the grace that was to come. His blood and grace set us free! Totally free from the fear of punishment, totally free from the condemnation that burdened our souls.
"For God did not send His Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world through him might be saved." The gospel of John, 3.17
He didn't see us as candidates for hell. He saw children all born with a disease: sin. We could
somewhat control it on our "good" days, we could try to hide it and appear well, or we could totally succumb to it when we were too weak to fight anymore...but we all have it. He came as our doctor, not as our judge. He came to put on the same filthy rags we wore and say, "Watch and learn, guys. This is how you can lick this. And, by the way, even on your weak days, you don't need to throw in the towel, because I already defeated death for you. Follow me!"
"For we don't have a High Priest who can't be touched by the feeling of our infirmities, but one who has been in all points tempted like we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore draw near with boldness to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy, and may find grace for help in time of need." Hebrews 4.15, 16
If Christ has the grace and patience to gently guide and discipline us, prodding us, teaching us, showing us, allowing us to experience the direct consequences of our mistakes and picking us up when we fail...why can't we do the same for our children?
Why should anyone be considered weak who chooses to walk alongside their children and teach them rather than spanking them? (Teaching is certainly a lot more work than spanking. Perhaps we sometimes chose this because of our own lack of self discipline?) Why is pain needed to teach them how to follow our Shepherd? Didn't Christ take our punishment?
But punishment works! Yes, it does. People who are afraid of being struck by someone bigger than them are generally very compliant. And abused dogs cower with one stern look, and battered women try very hard to please their partners. But what pattern does this set up for the child? Obedience out of fear of punishment.
This is exactly why Christ came into the world. He came to do away with legalism and fear, and replace it with the kind of free life that enables people follow him with a full heart motivated by love. He freed us up to make mistakes, accept his grace, and wholeheartedly chase after holiness and true compassion for our fellowman. Our motivation for obedience doesn't have to be fear anymore!
2 Timothy 1.7- "For God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-discipline."
Instead of motivating our children to obedience through fear of punishment, we can learn to equip them with the tools they need to discipline themselves. (HUGE difference between discipline and punishment, by the way. Punishment is forcing someone to pay retribution for their wrongdoing. Discipline is actively discipling someone and instructing them in something.)
We have such a unique opportunity as parents! We, who know all too well the struggle with our own human nature, can walk alongside our little ones, saying, "This is how I deal with this!" "Try this, instead" or "This is how God helps me with this problem". Rather than punishing (which is completely unneeded, thanks to Christ's sacrifice! Thank you Lord!), we can help our children learn to control themselves with a spirit of gentleness and love. What a chance of a lifetime!
Do I expect my girls to learn to obey? Abso-stinkin'-lutely. Do I realistically expect them to be able to control themselves all the time as children? Nope. (Man, I'm an adult, and I still mess up on a regular basis.) It's my job to teach them how to control themselves, and guide them towards healthy adulthood.
My goal for them as adults is love of God, kindness, and humble obedience to their Savior. Whether they are always "little ladies/gentlemen" isn't the issue. Whether they're "well-behaved" isn't the issue. I'm much more concerned about them eventually learning to be considerate and compassionate towards their fellowman for the right reasons, rather than being merely polite at the age of three because they fear a spanking.
They're going to mess up. My prayer is that eventually, they will willingly offer themselves as bond servants to Christ out of sheer love of the God-man, rather than fear that He will punish them if they don't.
Because punishment and fear of punishment is missing the whole point of following Christ.
"By this God's love was revealed in us, that God sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him.
In this is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent His son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.
Beloved, if God loved us in this way, we also ought to love one another.
In this love has been made perfect among us, that we have boldness on the day of judgement, because as He is, even so are we in this world.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment. He who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love Him, because He first loved us."
(The first letter from John, 4.9,10,11,17,18)
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14 comments:
I really like this. I would like to link to it, but to a version what will be directly available in the future whenever anyone clicks on it. Or I could paste it directly to my page, if you prefer, with an link to your blog. Here is my page http://www.kjsl.com/~lindav/notrain.htm
Bravo. Very Courageous, and well thought out. I'm impressed, but not surprised. I'm very proud of you sis.
Hi, I'm so glad I stumbled on to your blog today. I found this post to be so affirming of the way my husband and I are aiming to raise our kids. It's nice to know there are other young, believing families who have grown convinced of similar "no spanking" approaches.
We're in Ontario, Canada, raising four kids under 5 and homeschooling to boot. I hope you don't mind if I continue to check in on your blog. In my own two minutes of "alone" time today I felt really encouraged after reading your posts!
Thanks,
Bonnie
P.S. Have you heard of Alfie Kohn? I'm reading an excellent book of his called Unconditional Parenting. He's not a christian (as far as I know), but I feel he offers some really valuable insights to the whole discipline area of parenting... problem is, I don't know anyone else who's read his book... I'm eager to see if his thoughts are truely workable!
Great post :)
My parents didn't spank much, and so I never gave it much thought because I never planned for it to be regular trick in my dad-bag, but I never ruled it out either.
But after reading what you read, I don't know if I can ever spank my daughter. Ever. It gave me some real hope that it's possible to raise without it.
Beautifully written and well done. Jennifer and I both give major kudos! I think you're ready for the TV show. Think about it: Dr. VO!
so perfectly written!!! thank you thank you thank you!!!!
Well-thought post, and I agree with the premise; however, I am convinced that I am not necessarily "punishing" my children when I spank them. Like you said, there is a huge difference between "discipline" and "punishment". If I spank my children with the attitude of, "You horrible brat! You messed up and now you are going to get what is coming to you!", then, yes, I am punishing my children. However, if I spank my children with the communicated attitude of, "You broke this specific rule and these are the pre-determined consequences", I am now training my child. I definitely believe that spanking is not appropriate for every misdemeanor. Nor is my spanking of the same severity for every offence. My children know that if they deliberately disobey me, they will receive "x" number of swats - the highest amount. If they hurt their siblings, the punishment is apt to be less severe, and, depending on the situation, may only involve asking forgiveness for the specific offense. Some things are not dealt with by spanking. Sometimes they have to go to their rooms or other appropriate measures. That is just how we do things in our house. And by the way, I believe that it is your God-given right and responsibility to determine how to rear your own children. What works for me is not necessarily going to work for you; so, please, do not feel that I am trying to be judgmental here.
I'm really really not just trying to be argumentative here, but I'm having a really hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that inflicting arbitrary pain isn't punishment. A main premise behind punishment is that a child must feel pain to learn. The flaw in that premise is somewhat addressed with her essay. You could certainly call it training, but training, too, is different from discipline, which shares its root with discipleship. Jesus certainly chastised his disciples, I am by no means advocating permissiveness or a lack of boundaries or a lack of enforcement of those boundaries, but I like Jesus' model of teaching and modeling as opposed to "training."
I've heard of Kohn's book, and gotten conflicting vibes from it. While I haven't read it, my understanding is that it leans toward permissive, or is antagonistic toward boundaries or something (fuzzy preggo brain at the moment). I heartily recommend a book called "Biblical Parenting" by Crystal Lutton, however, for a good overview of positive, non-punitive, non-permissive discipline from a Christian foundation.
By the way, I'm a different Bonnie from the earlier poster. :-)
Other Bonnie now :)
In my opinion, Kohn does not condone being permissive. It was a well written, well argued piece. In fact, I actually found after reading his book I felt even more deeply loving and repsectful of my children... It still left me with a million questions though.
Thanks for your book recommendation, though. I will look it up!
"If I spank my children with the attitude of, "You horrible brat! You messed up and now you are going to get what is coming to you!", then, yes, I am punishing my children. However, if I spank my children with the communicated attitude of, "You broke this specific rule and these are the pre-determined consequences", I am now training my child."
Writing about this idea in another post...probably late tonight after the kidlets are sleeping:-)
btw...wanted to say with the gentlest tone possible (it's so hard to convey tone over the internet):
I totally agree that child rearing is a responsibility that should be taken very seriously, and the way children are raised will look different for every family. That is our God given responsibility.
:-)
But we have no "right" to strike or inflict pain on our children. Our only "right" under the gospel of Christ is to bear with one another's failings with gentleness and love, and to extend the same grace that has been offered to us.
Ash - This post was so well-written that I'm very anxious to see what you have to say about training vs. punishment vs. discipline. :-)
"Our only "right" under the gospel of Christ is to bear with one another's failings with gentleness and love, and to extend the same grace that has been offered to us."
Beautifully said.
I needed that reminder/encouragement today.
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